Last Group and Other Thoughts

The final group of the semester was earlier today. It went well for the most part. We got through the curriculum, and then I gave a little speech about how I thought my students' experiences with Y-Scholars was like. I talked about how I felt they hadn't been respecting each other and their privilege of being in the program. I conveyed that I didn't think they wanted to be in this Y-Scholars space because of their lack of respect, for me included. They just really need to think about what they want to do with their lives, and not only with Y-Scholars but whatever future goals they have. So many of them have bad grades and that is going to have an effect on what they want to do, whether it is going to college or getting a job.

I think I need to do a lot of thinking over myself in terms of my teaching and how I approach the students. I don't think I interact with people well especially when maturity and respect are lacking. Sometimes I think that despite my interest in helping my students, I don't always convey that with my tone of voice and obvious irritance with them. It's not good really, and like Jennie had told me, I do need to demonstrate that I am leading group and will not tolerate disrespect, while at the same time not being like an immature kid in a bad mood.

At times I think that I am just not cut out for this job. My heart isn't in it all the time, and lately I've begun to lose patience with my students. I don't know if it's good for my students that I don't exaclt LOVE this job all the time. I feel like in order to do well that I need to and I don't always. Also, it's been a challenge for me to adjust to my classes and my involvement with SAE, bridges, etc this year, and getting used to a new job isn't that easy either.

The emotional aspect of this job also something I have had to get used to. I worry about my students, like JV being undocumented or Allie and her problems with transitioning to high school. And although it shouldn't bother me, I am hurt just a little bit when my students are rude to me and make group difficult to get through. I know it shouldn't bother me, but I think about my job performance when things don't go well. What can I be doing different? is a question I tend to

Friday Afternoons and Sunday Mornings

I met with my seniors this past weekend. Friday I had my meeting with JV and we partially filled out his CSU application (I told him that he received $110 from a community fund so that he can now pay for his college apps, the thrill wasn't visible but I'm sure he is thankful for it). Hopefully he can attend the workshops for the UC/CSU applications because I turned out having questions on how to fill out some of it. I think the most productive part of the meeting Friday was looking over possible majors JV would be interested in doing. I'm really excited for him because he has a lot of doors open to him and he can take pretty much any path he wants as long as he puts his mind to it. For me, now that I have decided to do Development Studies I am really excited about it. Next semester I will be taking three major classes, but I really want to try to get into this Anthro class on ethnography and globalization so I can declare. And so to think about how excited I was coming into Cal in a similar situation which let me have the chance to explore and do whatever I wanted gets me excited about helping JV get into a position where he can almost have the world at his feet, ready for him to take whatever he wants and make the most out of it.

Today, I met with Hong, and to be honest I was a little frustrated. Hong is a Chinese immigrant and was in ELL for his first two years of high school and then transitioned into the regular program of classes with the rest of the school. I'm really proud of him for having been able to switch and do relatively well, but his English is still not that great and I only mention that because in reading over his personal statement, I just think "This is going to be a lot of work." For me, I know that I already have trouble getting English-as-a-first-language speakers to write well and effectively, and so helping Hong get his bearing with this statement is a bit of a challenge for me. I don't mind the grammatical errors or structural mistakes, but I'm having a hard time getting him to think the way he should be in writing his personal statement. For the open-ended for instance, his theme is about being an immigrant and having to transition to life in America. His ideas are very simplistic and having read the third draft, he is still not thinking and writing the way I have asked him to (like expanding on his ideas, being clearer about what he means, and being able to explain to me what his intent is). His academic preparation I basically skimmed and told him to rewrite it. His contribution to the university statement was actually okay and I edited it a bit to convey his ideas better, but I think he wants to rewrite it or choose another topic altogether. My main issue with how to approach editing his statement overall is that I really don't want to go about (re)writing it for him. I realized during my edit of his personal contribution that I was doing what I didn't want which was almost basically writing his statment for him. It took me almost no effort to say what he said 10 times better, but I really felt hesitant about that because I believe that he needs to be figuring out how to do so on his own. At the same time, he obviously has language barriers and the deadline is about two weeks away. He doesn't really have the time to improve his writing that much. He kept saying to me "Help me write," and I am trying to help him but in wanting to let Hong make his statment a true representation of himself I am having a difficult time in realizing how much to step up or step down in doing so.

What are your goals?

Second group in a row that I have left feeling good. Today we discussed planning and organizing through using a planner, and I was really happy that the students participated. I had thought that it wouldn't go well, but it did so it was a pleasant experience.

So last night, we also had a DC meeting on how to create a college-going culture in our school sites. I thought it was very inspiring (although I wish it wasn't an hour and a half) because I now want to coordinate a meeting with my students' teachers to discuss how we (they) can use their classrooms and their positions as teachers to really foster the sense that our students are meant for college. And today in group I talked a bit about what I am studying at Berkeley and also fielded some questions the kids had, which I see to be a good sign because it shows they think about college to some degree.

With my work in Y-Scholars, it's been making me re-evaluate my view on outreach. I do believe that it is very important and is needed like crazy, but I think it also needs to be complementing efforts in policy changes. And personally, I thought that outreach wasn't really for me partly because I haven't always liked working with youth (from my experience in elementary school tutoring). Having my position is a good learning experience though. I think I am definitely developing patience and understanding for my freshmen and seniors, and my teaching skills are getting practice and opportunity to improve. Most importantly though, it is allowing me to see what more I would like to do in this area of work, like how to get schools to create a college-going atmosphere for instance. Maybe that fits more in studies of education rather than college outreach, but it's something that I have been thinking about because of being in Y-Scholars. Okay. This is it, perhaps more later I will expand on this thought.

week in review

this week has been a bit hectic. during harry's mentor match on tuesday, he was very rude to me. he was trying to argue with me and making nonsense points. then he was unbelievably disrespectful by holding up papers in front of my face to ignore me and talk to his mentor. i just felt really embarrassed, especially since the mentor was seeing me get blown off by harry. before he left the library, i had a small talk with him, saying that i didn't appreciate his rudeness and making nonsense arguments, and that he shouldn't come to group if he plans on being disrespectful. i suppose i shouldn't have said that last part and won't in the future (harry didn't come to group today), but man, he was extremely disrespectful. he needs to understand that i want him in group but he needs to be polite, which is a standard i hold all my students to. it is frustrating working with some of the students because of their attitude because i can't get in their face about it like i would with a peer nor can i let them walk all over me; it's a little difficult walking on this line.

today in group, we discussed stereotypes of all kinds almost. the students really have a lot to say about the collage the other coordinators and i made and i'm glad to know that they are aware of the different kinds of oppression and discrimination that go on in this world. the students really hit on some critical concepts regarding race, heterosexism and gender, and even though they don't have the best words to convey what they know sometimes they are aware, which is an important step in developing consciousness.

working in Y-Scholars is such a roller coaster sometimes. when i have encounters like i did with harry i want to quit because i remember how much i didn't like working with youth in the past, but when i have good days like today i get excited because i am helping my students develop themselves as critical thinkers. blah.

Change

I need to change my teaching style/approach to my students because the rude one(s) are starting to get on my nerves like no other.

Catcher in the Rye, Conversation, and Volleyball

Last Thursday at the staff meeting I got my students' progress reports, and for the most part a lot of them are getting Ds in at least one of their classes (on the bright side I have two with straight As so far!). Today I talked with one of my students, Harry*, about his low marks in English and History. From our conversation, I was able to see that he understands what he is learning and gets along with his teachers, but he doesn't do so hot on tests, which I feel because I've had classes in high school where I get the material/homework and then bomb the exam. What I need to figure out now is what can I do to help him understand that he needs to give more detailed answers on his English tests, how to get him to perform on exams at a level that is commensurate with his knowledge and learning capabilities. When he talked to me, he was so sure of himself and conveyed to me that he actually does do the work, that he understands his reading or homework, and it got me excited to realize that he isn't the dumb clueless student.

Today I also got to have a nice conversation with one of my top students. I already had an interest in getting to know him because he just moved from India to Berkeley about a year ago, so I wanted to make sure he was adjusting alright, but he's doing so great! This guy is pretty cool, the Dalai Lama gave him his name! That's pretty wild. I hope he got a good vibe from me because of our small talk. I think the obstacle I am facing right now with all my students is the fact that I am still unfamiliar to them at this point since we have only met twice. And I just want them to realize that I am here to support and help them in any way possible. I'm not just a person four or five years older than them who is going to act like their other (probably lame) teachers, but rather that I am here to help guide and prepare them for success and that they can come to me with any problems they might be facing.

Which brings me to another student of mine, Allie. She's been giving a small amount of attitude during the last two group meetings, which I called her mother about (she told me that she wants to be aware of how Allie is doing, so no, I'm not being a rat!) That was last week, but tonight her mother called me and told me a heartbreaking story for half an hour. Allie was supposed to be on the Berkeley High volleyball team (she played the sport all through middle school), and she had her schedule adjusted for it and even purchased all the equipment she would need to play. However, when the school year started and Allie went to the first practice, she was told that she wasn't on the team (her and four or five other girls, all of whom are minorities). They were told that there weren't enough jerseys or spots after all, but after Allie and other students of color were kicked off the team, new girls who never tried out (and who were also white) were let on, much to Allie's surprised. After many meetings with admininstrators and the coach (a female college student), it was pretty much let out that there was no good reason for Allie to have been removed from the team. (Not only did the coach assemble a vanilla team, but she also imposed the idea that she didn't want girls with curves on the team either!)

Why I mention this is that since Allie had her passion taken away from her for no good excuse, she has become very angry and lacking a lot in self-confidence. This destructive behavior is affecting her school work and performance in Y-Scholars, hence the bad attitude. Obviously it's not the sole reason, but I just really feel for her right now, and I am just disgusted at how this school that caters to white students can stand to rip apart the self-esteem and dreams of its minority constituents. Not only is Allie not playing volleyball, but now her response to that is negatively affecting her academic career. I am just really really bothered right now and it puts me at a loss somewhat in figuring out what I can do to help her overcome this obstacle and succeed in the rest of her life.

Beat One

I am starting this in hopes of having a space to articulate more serious ideas, as opposed to the cryptic, teen-angst drama that fills my xanga (www.xanga.com/mighty_Joooood). Most importantly, I want to chronicle my experience working in the public secondary education sector as a college advisor/teacher/social worker/mentor to underprivileged, first generation college bound students. Although it's about one month into the school year, I am starting the core of my work now and I think I need a space to articulate reflections on my experiences with Berkeley High youth in order to better understand this work I do and the lives of my students.

The reason why the program I work for (the YMCA-created Y-Scholars) exists is because of the effects of institutionalized racism, as many of the students are black and latin@, among other minorities, with low-income families. Public education is set up so that many of them will be left behind, which is where Y-Scholars steps in to give these bright kids with massive potential the tools and support they need to be successful in high school and get in the door to higher education.

That said, I hope to continue with my academic reading, so perhaps this can also be a space for me to express what I think of any future readings. Right now, I am looking at an anthology called Screaming Monkeys (edited by M. Evelina Galang), a collection of works relating to how Asian Americans are viewed in this country. With that, I am warning you now that this blog may well become my scream, to be heard loud and clear for the next however many days, weeks, or months as I live in this world and experiencing its many -isms.